“They say the only way to stop an erupting volcano is to throw a virgin into it, and if that’s true I nominate Justin Beiber.”

“The German airline Luftshansa said it plans to resume some flights.  Apparently there are so many Germans in France right now, the French government reflexively surrendered.”

“Katherine Heigl has announced that not only is she leaving the cast of Grey’s Anatomy, but she already left.  Turned out her last episode was 2 months ago.  She was supposed to come back and do more episodes at the beginning of March but didn’t want to, so she didn’t.  Now that’s health care reform right there.”

“We find out that the island (on ‘Lost’) might be hell.  Although I find it hard to believe that Hurley who never did anything bad to anyone would be in hell and Heidi and Spencer are not.”

“It sounds like a nightmare – having sex with waitress after waitress, model after model, never stopping except to occasionally win millions of dollars at golf tournaments.  I’m surprised (Tiger) is even alive really.”

“Mo’Nique, she came out of nowhere with very, very hairy legs.  She’s growing it out for a part in Harry and the Hendersons 2.”

“I want to congratulate Kathryn Bigelow for becoming the first woman ever to beat her ex-husband in front of a billion people.”

“NBC got big ratings from the Olympics.  Unfortunately for NBC, they’re done and now they’re looking for ways to try to maintain that Olympic momentum…(with) a new hybrid show (the Biggest Luger).”

“He went back in today and this time his sentence was postponed because of a fire at the courthouse.  It seems to me that God is telling us he doesn’t want Lil Wayne to go to jail.”