The Colbert Report
“There are some super angry, crazy Jews who are going to come after you guys with a sharpened mezuzah. They cut off the tips of their own penis, imagine what they’ll do to yours.”
“Why doesn’t (President Obama) want us to go back to the moon? Is it maybe because that’s where he was really born?”
“According to the New York Post, (Tiki Barber) and his wife have separated due to irreconcilable he’s banging a 23-year-old. That is not the way a married man is supposed to behave, Tiki, especially if his name rhymes with sneaky.”
“You talk smack about (the Republicans) and you are persona non grata at every bondage-themed strip club in Hollywood.”
“Excuse me, I have to clean me hands here for a second. I know what I’ll use – some raw chicken. What? I might as well, health care is free now. Listen, if you’re not dying from dysentery, you’re losing money.”
“All this week, I’ve been covering the Democrat’s health care jihad. I know reconciliation is a confusing issue and I know when you’re confused you’re angry, and I certainly hope I’ve added to your confusion. Well tonight is about what you Americans think and the easiest way for me to tell you what you think is with polling.”
“If you are anywhere between 21 and 53 – you will watch (‘The Pacific’) and feel like a big, fat pussy.”