“Honestly, Conan, in our house you will always be THE host of ‘The Tonight Show.’  You always will be.”

“This massive outpouring of support and passion from so many people has been overwhelming for me – the rallies, the signs, all this goofy, outrageous creativity on the Internet, the fact that people have traveled long distances and camped out all night in the pouring rain…to be in our audience.  You’ve made a sad situation joyous and inspirational.”

“I am prohibited from coming within 500 yards of 11:30. I must return the Etch-A-Sketch my contract was written on. I’m not allowed to make fun of NBC programming.  I have to let the programming speak for itself.  The cop who escorts me off the lot after my last show must have the rank of lieutenant or higher…I have to watch at least one NBC show every weeknight in order to double ratings.”

“Tomorrow is our last show here.  So I’d like to apologize to the guests who were scheduled for next week – President Barack Obama, the Pope, the Queen of England, and our good friend Elvis Presley was stopping by.”

“NBC! Nothing But C***s!”

“Over the past week, ratings for the ‘Tonight Show’ are up by 50%.  When NBC executives heard this, they told me, ’see, you really don’t fit in around here.’”

“NBC is run by brainless sons of goats who eat money and crap trouble.”

“Hello there, I am Conan O’Brien and I’m just three days away from the biggest drinking binge in history.”

“It’s a bit hard to accept that soon I won’t have a show, but Snooki and The Situation will.”

“Hello, I’m Conan O’Brien and I need all of you to write me a letter of recommendation.  Would you do that for me? Please?”