“Wait a minute, Jay.  You (and Conan) both got screwed but you’re the one who ended up with a show.  How did you get screwed?”

“Believe me (Jay Leno) got everything he deserved.”

“So (the Republicans) end up at a bondage club in Los Angeles, and I thought that makes perfect sense because Republicans love tying things up: health care, climate control, financial reform.”

“The Republican National Committee had a big party at some kind of a sex club in Los Angeles. They spent $2,000 of campaign donation money on the bill at the sex club in Los Angeles. But the guy who organized the big Republican sex party apologized on the Golf Channel, so that’s good.”

“If (the Republicans) can’t spend donor money at a sex club, the terrorists win.”

“The number one Republican National Committee excuse – research for pending legislation, No Stripper Left Behind.”

“Health care bill didn’t pass in time for you to get arm reattached after shark attack.”

“I love paying huge money for health care and I used to love driving to Canada to buy cheap drugs.”

“Anybody here suffering from March Madness? Well don’t worry its covered by the new health care plan.”

“(Jay Leno) asked me 10 questions about nothing and I asked him 10 questions about stealing Conan’s job from him.”