“If we want to cut off funding for the terror mosque, we must, together as a nation, stop watching FOX (NEWS). It’s the only way.”

“When you give your money to a bank, what they do with it is anything they want and if they lose it, perhaps gambling on bigger, dumber banks, they replenish the money you originally gave them with more of your money.”

“I know that I criticize (Bernie Goldberg) and FOX News a lot, but only because you’re truly a terrible, cynical, disingenuous news organization.”

“You get the sense that had Jim Cramer been around in 1912, he’d be like, ‘you’re not going to hear this from anyone else, but my sources tell me the Titanic has the best buffet on the high seas, take it to the bank, and by the way, if you want to get to the dock faster, try the Hindenburg.’”

“While President Palin continues her whistle stop tour of real America, eventual ex-President Obama continues to arrogantly defy his lack of a mandate by doing things.”

“The world needs to know – can Tiger Woods regain his form and make it through (the Masters) without taking his penis out?”

“The person leading the (lesbian bondage) outing, who told (Eric) Brown that he would be reimbursed was none other than Allison Meyers, the head of the RNC’s Young Eagles Program, a program that I am probably more inclined to join now than I ever have been in my life.”

“Here’s a little hint to the New York Times – you’re wondering why print is dead?  You went with the ‘G.O.P. Opens Inquiry on Club Expenditures.’ Perhaps you could have gone with ‘Right Wing XXX-Tremists,’ or perhaps ‘Schwing-Nuts,’ or ‘Log-Grabbin’ Republicans.’  I’m just saying.”

“You know how kids love to spend their birthdays at Chuck E. Cheese in the ball pit?  Well some times grownups like to spend their birthdays in… a ball pit.”

“Oh my God!  That has got to hurt.  You’re first Oscar acceptance speech interrupted by the woman who runs the snack counter at my synagogue’s Purim festival.”